Friends in Weird Places

Allow me to introduce a friend.

This is a makeup removal wipe.  At one time, it was moist with makeup-removing liquid stuff.  At one time, it lived in a pouch with others just like it.

Eventually, all the other wipes got used up (by me) and thrown away (by me), until this was the last one left.  It quickly dried out, but I continued to keep it around, because it was the ONLY ONE LEFT.
Sometimes I’d pour a little water on a corner of it in order to have a decent way of getting my mascara off every night.  Sometimes the wipe would fall on the floor and I’d leave it there for a day or three.  It got lost on my dresser frequently.  But still, even when it looked like complete garbage, I held onto it, because it was the ONLY ONE LEFT AND I NEEDED IT.

It did occur to me that new makeup removal wipes are manufactured and distributed and put out for sale every day, and that I would very likely be able to purchase some in my fair city of Chicago.  But do you know what a package of makeup removal wipes costs?

FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS.

I mean.  Really.

So meanwhile, I have been wiping my FACE with a very old, very dirty, pretty much all-around disgusting dried-up wipe for a few months because I couldn’t bring myself, until a few days ago, to splurge on this:

It cost, like, $4.68.  It was a major decision.

Yet I do occasionally drop a few hundred bucks on new clothes and shoes because “I need them,” or whatever. 

Pretty sensible, right?

Thank you.  I thought so, too.

All the Lives I Want to Live

Ambition is a great thing, but I have way too much of it.  The following are some of the lives I would like to have if I could live more than once.  I am acknowledging the absolutely narcissistic tone that will come through in all of these.  Just go with it.  This is a fantasy land, where I look exactly how I want to and can do everything I want with extraordinary talent.

1.       I am completely self-sufficient as an artist.  I split my time between ballroom dancing, performing with a contemporary ballet company, singing in a bluegrass band, singing in a jazz club, doing musical theatre without having to take any speaking roles, writing hilarious essays and columns, and designing wedding dresses.  I live in a big city where I know lots of people, and all of them beg me to be a part of their artsy event because they know I will totally rock it.

2.       I have 2-3 lovely children, and my husband makes enough money so that I don’t have to work.  Instead, I bake amazing cupcakes from scratch and stick them in my kids’ lunchboxes.  After they go off to school, I do fun things like take kickboxing classes and then I buy groceries at a fancy organic grocery store.  My house is pristine and smells like baking soda, and I mop the floors every day.  Sometimes in the afternoons I iron clothes while watching Netflix, and the living room smells like laundry starch.  I never have to wear anything but yoga pants and t-shirts if I don’t want to.  I start gardening, and don’t even kill any plants.  I publish stories and columns occasionally, but only because I feel like it, not because I have to do it in order to eat.

3.       I am the head of a really successful magazine that publishes smart, but not too dense, material that (magically) both men and women gravitate to.  I get to wear Calvin Klein suits to work every day and drink delicious, fair-trade coffee in my office, which has floor-to-ceiling windows.  I make all the decisions, but the bad news has to be delivered by my awesome assistant, so that I never have to deal with confrontation.  I am super nice to everyone even though my power means I could get away with being mean if I wanted to.  I write hilarious “Notes from the Editor” columns every month.  Sometimes I have to meet with vendors and advertisers who give me gift bags with bottles of perfume and aromatherapy socks and chocolate-covered espresso beans.  Basically I am Gayle King, but better.

4.       I am a professional athlete, but not the kind you’re thinking of.  Basically I could be in the Olympics for several sports if I wanted to.  I run marathons and do triathlons on a regular basis, and have completed several Iron Mans.  I run my kayak through class 5 rapids.  I am basically the next Lindsay Vonn when it comes to downhill skiing.  My whole body is ripped like you wouldn’t believe.

I feel like there should be a fifth one just to round things out here, but I can’t think of anything else, and also I’m starting to feel a little bit self-conscious.  Til next time.

In Which I Do Not Partake In Any Festivities

Are you dying to hear about St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago, where they dye the river green and everyone goes completely bonkers?

Well, you are in for a disappointment, because I am pretty un-festive when it comes to March 17.  I did go outside to walk to my kettlebells class—at 8 AM—and saw lots of folks in green t-shirts lining up at the bars.  Turns out the North Side is a great place to go to drink yourself silly in the early morning hours.

Here are a few pictures from my day that might help clarify just how apathetic I am about this holiday:

I took the trash out and found this guy on our Dumpster.  It's actually a pretty impressive piece of art.  I enjoyed it.  I guess this doesn't really say anything about St. Patrick's Day, but I took out the trash while I was on my way to buy groceries, which is to say that I was out doing normal things rather than being celebratory and fun.

Dinner for one.  Irish nachos: that's a thing, right?

I Guess This Is My Monthly Update

Wow, seriously?  It’s been a month since I posted last?

My apologies to the two or three of you who happen to check this site.  I’ve been a little busy lately, but I won’t complain about it, because 1) that’s boring and 2) aren’t we all?

Instead, I’ll give you a quick update on what I’ve been doing:

DOWNHILL SKIING.  My dad, sister, sister’s boyfriend, uncle, and a few other folks met up for my dad’s 50^th birthday at the end of February.  We were going to do some cross-country skiing, my dad’s personal favorite, but there hasn’t been enough snow this winter to make that possible.  So we went to a downhill ski resort and I tried my hand at it.

As it turns out, I’m freaking awesome at downhill.  I will not even be modest about this.  I killed it.

My sissy and me, after a few hours in the powder.  Guess who is who!  Ha ha ha!!

I got really excited about buying my own gear and going up to Wisconsin every weekend to ski, but then it got nice outside, and my athletic ambitions went in another direction:

RUNNING A 5K.  This is my new goal.  And I already joined the Chicago Area Runners Association (CARA), started attending a weekly running group, and bought almost $300 worth of new running clothes, so try and stop me now!

(On a different note, how is it possible that I visited both Nike and Adidas before realizing that Victoria’s Secret is the only place on earth with actually supportive sports bras?  I mean, good job, VS.  Boo, Nike and Adidas, AKA THE MOST POPULAR AND REPUTABLE SPORTS CLOTHING LINES ON THE PLANET.)

Let’s see; what else?  My graduate course is almost complete, and I’m almost sure that I aced it, but…never mind.  I don’t want to get my hopes up.  You never know.  Either way, even if I didn’t ace it, I managed to get through it with only ONE fainting episode!  Brava to me!

Oh!  Last weekend, two of my BEST FRIENDS from college came to visit me.  It was spectacular.  We walked around the city, ate lots of delicious food, and told all the same stories we’ve told each other two thousand times before.  Don’t you love friends like that?

Because my apartment is small and tends to get crowded, my friends and I stayed at the HoJo downtown.  Check out the lock on our door.  I mean, we had no security concerns at ALL.

In other news, two weekends ago my roommate and I saw the Joffrey Ballet perform, and then we walked around Wicker Park so that I could say I’ve been there, and yesterday we went on a scavenger hunt. 

At this point I’m guessing you’re getting bored, so I’ll say tah-tah for now.  I have brownies that just came out of the oven.  So there.

Here is a hilarious picture of my cat hogging my coat and all my stuff.