All the Lives I Want to Live

Ambition is a great thing, but I have way too much of it.  The following are some of the lives I would like to have if I could live more than once.  I am acknowledging the absolutely narcissistic tone that will come through in all of these.  Just go with it.  This is a fantasy land, where I look exactly how I want to and can do everything I want with extraordinary talent.

1.       I am completely self-sufficient as an artist.  I split my time between ballroom dancing, performing with a contemporary ballet company, singing in a bluegrass band, singing in a jazz club, doing musical theatre without having to take any speaking roles, writing hilarious essays and columns, and designing wedding dresses.  I live in a big city where I know lots of people, and all of them beg me to be a part of their artsy event because they know I will totally rock it.

2.       I have 2-3 lovely children, and my husband makes enough money so that I don’t have to work.  Instead, I bake amazing cupcakes from scratch and stick them in my kids’ lunchboxes.  After they go off to school, I do fun things like take kickboxing classes and then I buy groceries at a fancy organic grocery store.  My house is pristine and smells like baking soda, and I mop the floors every day.  Sometimes in the afternoons I iron clothes while watching Netflix, and the living room smells like laundry starch.  I never have to wear anything but yoga pants and t-shirts if I don’t want to.  I start gardening, and don’t even kill any plants.  I publish stories and columns occasionally, but only because I feel like it, not because I have to do it in order to eat.

3.       I am the head of a really successful magazine that publishes smart, but not too dense, material that (magically) both men and women gravitate to.  I get to wear Calvin Klein suits to work every day and drink delicious, fair-trade coffee in my office, which has floor-to-ceiling windows.  I make all the decisions, but the bad news has to be delivered by my awesome assistant, so that I never have to deal with confrontation.  I am super nice to everyone even though my power means I could get away with being mean if I wanted to.  I write hilarious “Notes from the Editor” columns every month.  Sometimes I have to meet with vendors and advertisers who give me gift bags with bottles of perfume and aromatherapy socks and chocolate-covered espresso beans.  Basically I am Gayle King, but better.

4.       I am a professional athlete, but not the kind you’re thinking of.  Basically I could be in the Olympics for several sports if I wanted to.  I run marathons and do triathlons on a regular basis, and have completed several Iron Mans.  I run my kayak through class 5 rapids.  I am basically the next Lindsay Vonn when it comes to downhill skiing.  My whole body is ripped like you wouldn’t believe.

I feel like there should be a fifth one just to round things out here, but I can’t think of anything else, and also I’m starting to feel a little bit self-conscious.  Til next time.