Because I feel like the dudes need a little love.

[Updated on 7/14/15: I'm leaving this post up, unedited, because that feels like the honest thing to do. But this is just to say that, more than two years in, I don't agree with a lot of what's written here. I've reconnected with feminism, learned a LOT more about it in the process, and am done apologizing for "nice guys" and #NotAllMen-ing all over everyone. So the crux of this piece really doesn't reflect my perspective at all anymore. But, here you go.]

What I’m about to write is uncomfortable, for several reasons.  I’m a little uncomfortable with these thoughts of mine, for one thing.  More so, though, I’m nervous about what YOU might think, which is why I’m going to try very hard to make sure you get exactly what I mean.

With that out of the way: I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about rape culture in the last month or so, in light of the Steubenville events in particular.  It’s disturbing: the elements surrounding the Steubenville rape itself, the media’s response, the way that many people seem to view rape, which is often in a “who cares?” light, a fact that I find fundamentally terrifying.   

Thankfully, there have been many sane, compassionate, and lovely responses as well.  Melissa Harris-Perry’s open letter comes to mind.  So do the many, many people who fired back at CNN’s dreadful coverage of the final verdict for the Steubenville rapists.  I am lucky to live in a community of thoughtful and caring people, and have not, in person, witnessed anyone being angry at the victim of the crime or bemoaning the fates of her rapists.  So I feel like there’s hope.

I also came across this article on Upworthy: There is Actually One Golden Rule to Prevent Sexual Assault.  It’s a list of tips which all come down to, essentially, don’t rape people.  (Derp?)  

Let’s not bemoan the fact that our society has come to such obvious edicts as this, because clearly it has.  If we want to change rape culture, it’s a worthwhile endeavor to start educating people from the reverse direction.  And I’m glad to see media like this that are willing to look at the truth.

But one thing has bothered me in the week since I’ve read it: nearly every one of the “10 Top Tips to End Rape” was directed at men.  You know: “Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.”  “When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.”  “If you are in a lift and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.”

A few things about this:

• Yes, men rape far more often than women do.
• Yes, men need to be taught from boyhood that rape (or any kind of assault) is wrong.
• But.  

This is the point where I get in trouble with my feminist friends, because I see this sort of thing as an example of when feminism becomes not so much about making women equal with men, but with putting men down.

Rape is bad.  It’s bad when a man rapes a woman, it’s bad when a woman rapes a man, it’s bad when a man rapes a man, it’s bad when a woman rapes a woman.  It’s always bad.  And it should not have been so hard for Upworthy (a generally compassionate, smart website that promotes equality for everyone) to take a look at the semantics in this little article and edit it a little.

Words have meaning.  If you think about it, this article just perpetuates the concept of man as aggressor and woman as victim.  And isn’t that what we’re supposed to be changing?

And please, no jokes about “when a woman rapes a man…is it REALLY rape?”  Men, you do yourselves a disservice when you make jokes about how you have no control over your sexual impulses.  You do have control.  You’ll be fine.

I know this because I am surrounded by many smart, capable, and caring men, who have never raped anyone and are horrified by the very thought of it.  If all of these men got together and were lectured on “how not to rape a woman,” I promise you that they would all be disgusted and offended.

Yes, we need better education on this topic.  We need for people to understand that no kind of assault is appropriate, ever.  We need for everyone to get the concept of no means no, that being asleep is not the same as giving consent, that giving consent and then changing your mind is totally legit.  It’s not even that hard, but apparently we need to do a better job.

I just don’t think it’s necessary to alienate the menfolk in doing so.  If we treat them like dumb animals, how can we expect them to act like anything else?